PARENTS: Help With My Child's Behavior in Church

Please Help With My Child's Behavior in Church

Can you relate to any of this? 

(From a mother who attends a Catholic church.) 

1. We arrive after the processional… because we are somehow unable to get the kids in the car and ready to go in the amount of time that we think we can.
2. We sit down, and my kids are well-behaved for all of 3 seconds.
3. The oldest one then begins to loudly talk about how he doesn’t want to be there
4. He then begins to bang on the pew
5. I try to have him sit on my lap, but he wriggles free and tries to climb under the pew
6. I drag him back and sternly tell him to sit still. He sits for a few moments, and the Gloria starts.
7. My son then begins to sing the Alleluia as loud as he can while we are singing the Gloria
8. Dirty looks occur from the people in front of us
9. As the first reading starts, my other son poops out of his diaper, and I have to run out to grab the diapers we forgot in the car.
10. I take the younger boy out to get his diaper changed
11. When I come back, the homily is starting, and my oldest boy is starting to go stir-crazy
12. I have to take him to the back in order to keep him from disturbing everyone as he begins to cry and whine about how he wants to go.
13. I miss the whole homily, but I have a nice chat with my son about what the readings were.
14. We come back in as the Creed begins… I hold him in my arms, but he won’t stop wiggling… I probably pay attention to 2-3 words that are said.
15. During the prayers of the people, I try to rephrase the petitions so that he understands them…. wiggling continues
16. During the Anaphora, the best I can do is stand in the back, praying to God that he won’t start yelling during the institution narrative this time… my prayers are not answered. More dirty looks ensue.
17. We say the Lord’s Prayer… and my son knows this one, but chooses to change the words to try to be silly. I try to tell him the Lord’s Prayer isn’t a time to be silly. He looks at me like I’m crazy.
18. We pass the peace…. he loves this part and yells “family hug!” as my wife comes over.
19. We sing the Angus Dei… he only knows one melody for this one, so he sings that melody, in spite of the fact that everyone else is singing a different arrangement. Dirty looks part three.
20. I tell him that it’s time for the special meal, and we go up together. He is mad that he doesn’t get anything and whines about it as the Priest blesses him. We head back to our seat.
21. From this point on, he continually asks me if mass is over until the announcements are done and the recessional hymn is sung.

[Retrieved from https://www.patheos.com/blogs/billykangas/2014/07/help-my-kids-are-wild-at-church.html] 

Many people have told me not to write about this because "We want kids in church no matter how they behave." But is that what's best for the child? As parents, are we to allow our kids to behave badly in church when we wouldn't allow it at a restaurant, museum, movie theater, or concert? Should we allow kids to be so disrespectful, rude, and noisy that the people around them cannot worship? Or should we be helpful to any parents who want help, like the woman above? I say, as people are called into ministry, we help.

First, Some (Hopefully Helpful) Information

Discipline is teaching or training kids to behave so that they learn to self-discipline. The goal is to help them develop internal self-control, character, and empathy so they don’t need external rewards. Discipline provides structure, safety, and guidance to help children learn to manage their emotions and to behave in certain ways despite how they feel. ALL children NEED discipline. It provides them with a sense of security, structure, and boundaries that they cannot provide themselves. Sometimes parents think their kids would be happier if they had more freedom, but that is not the case.

A lack of guided discipline can lead to children failing to learn self-regulation and essential life skills. If you see your child having poor behavioral control, difficulty respecting authority, and aggression when told "NO," you might want to ask yourself whether your current discipline plan could be contributing to the problem.

There are a few things that help with child discipline in church: consistency, consequences, and routines.

• Consistency. One of the simplest ways to improve a young child’s behavior is to be consistent about expectations. For children, especially those ages 3 to 6, consistency shows the power of kids knowing what to expect. When they don’t have it, they feel insecure, which leads them to continually test what they can and cannot get away with, potentially causing power struggles. There’s never a reason an adult should get into a power struggle with a child. Young children are learning cause and effect, and the adult teaches them by how they respond. If I do this… this happens. If a parent is tired and I push these buttons… this happens. The easiest way to deal with this is to give your child some choices before things escalate. Give two reasonable choices. You can have either of these for your church snack. Which do you choose? “I want candy!” You can have this or this. Pick one now, or you get nothing. 
• Consequences are very important. Kids need to learn that every action has a consequence, some good and some not so good. Some consequences work better than others for young kids. For example, a time-out can help them calm down. Without that time to wind down, they often resort to aggression, often toward parents or siblings. When this happens in church, it’s a good time to take them out of the sanctuary for a time-out. They’ll calm down; you can nicely remind them of the church rules and ask if they’re ready to go back in. Leaving the sanctuary is a time to help them calm down, not a trip to a playground or a playroom. The goal is to help them manage their own behavior. 
• Routines help with consistency because children learn what to expect. Bedtime goes much better if there’s a routine: pajamas, teeth, story, prayer, lights off. Chaotic environments (things constantly changing) often lead to behavior problems. Being consistent and developing routines when parenting can take time and energy, but the results later on are definitely worth the effort up front. What is your pre-church routine? Is it chaotic and rushing, which can trigger a burst of adrenaline in children, or calm and consistent?

So, What About Church?

Church is a unique environment. It’s similar to going to a nice restaurant, a concert, a movie, or a museum, where certain behaviors are expected: speaking quietly, managing emotions, respecting those around you, and following certain rules. These are not things that need to be skipped because of behavior. Kids just need to be taught the rules and what they look like, and to practice at home. 

What are the rules? The rules in church are about simple activities regarding respecting the worship service, the church building and its furniture, and the people.

Church Rules

• Using our quiet voice.
• Walking feet in the church sanctuary (the room where the altar is).
• Keeping shoes on the floor, not on the furniture. It’s never a problem until somebody has muddy shoes.
• Sitting, not climbing on the pews. Furniture is not a playground.
• Cleaning up your things before you leave.

When you consistently talk about these things when children are younger, the sooner they will think them for themselves or just make a habit of doing them.

If you want your child to be quiet through a worship service, you have to teach them to be quiet (not to be silent), but to play quietly, and that takes time.

• Offer choices – we can stay here, or I can take you out.
• Natural consequences – removing a child from worship for being disruptive only needs to be applied a few times before they begin to expect it.
• Treats before church don’t encourage good behavior during church. They should be given only occasionally after church.
• Treats should not be used as a bribe to stop misbehavior in the moment. Giving a child a piece of candy to sit down will only last until they get it and eat it.
• Only bring quiet toys, and while screens are babysitters, they don’t help a child learn self-control or manage their emotions. Some toys do not belong in church.
• Step out – remove the child from the service to sit outside until he can behave. This is not a fun field trip or an opportunity to play outside, which will teach them that if they’re bad enough, they get a reward. Time-out will not work at church if you don’t use it at home.

What You Can Do at Home

Practice Church Behaviors with Games – If a child wins the game, they can earn a prize, but the only way to win is to do it for a reasonable amount of time. Start with 3 minutes for 3-year-olds, and add 1 minute for each additional year.

• Simulate Church – Show me what a good boy looks like at church
• The Sofa is the Pew – Find something to do and see if they can be quiet doing it for 5 minutes (5 minutes can seem like a long time for them).
• The Quiet Game – The goal is for children to stay silent and still for as long as possible. You’ll be lucky to get them to go a whole minute at first. Try asking what sounds they can hear.
• The Quiet Game 2 – Instead of just silence, challenge them to be quiet with the TV on.
• Whisper Game – Pass a word around by whispering. Young children are challenged to talk quietly.
• Rub My Back (Write Letters on My Back) – You can also rub an arm or massage a hand, both of which are very relaxing.

Some say that children raised by one disciplining parent and one lenient parent are often confused, anxious, and have behavioral issues due to inconsistent rules and boundary setting. This is not really a problem. Eventually, they will figure out which parent they can manipulate and which one they can’t. If you are the lenient parent, they will learn to manipulate you. It’s important for church attendance that parents who live together share the same expectations for kids five and under's behavior in church. If parents don’t live together, kids can learn what to expect at each parent’s home and will behave accordingly. 

I sincerely hope this information helps those of you who have been looking for tips on teaching and encouraging your young children about behavior during worship.